10.17
Guys, if you go anywhere in Asia except for Hong Kong, you might as well have a leather jacket issued to you as soon as you step off the plane, because you are the Fonz. Welcome to Alpha Male status. The first thing you will notice are dweeby-looking western men with calculators in their pockets walking arm-in-arm with Chinese supermodels. I call it “the Charisma Man Syndrome”.
This is a great post written by Chris over here and I absolutely agree (especially the dweeb named Poindexter/super-model named Cherry sightings) that…if you’re a westerner…you have more then a great chance of becoming an super alpha male in China (and you don’t even have to be that handsome, smart or “manly”). As one expat I knew in China was fond of saying…”if you want a girlfriend in China it wouldn’t be that difficult to find one.” But some points of clarification are needed before you board that United non-stop flight to Beijing figuring you’ll find love in all the right places. First, while finding a Chinese girlfriend may be easy for some it is the very rare the case where that girlfriend is just out for some fun…more often then not they think you and her are in it for the long-haul (read: marriage) which, in some cases, gives them the wherewithal to outlast the “commentary” that her family and friends make on dating a non-Chinese. As a result, break-ups that happen when the expat leaves are tremendous affairs that adversely effect the whole circle of friends—especially those friends that stay behind (I am still often contacted by one of my expat friend’s girlfriend…it was cool at first as she was a interesting person to hang out with…but everytime ended in a cryfest about the breakup and people where looking at me like I’m the dude that dissed her.) Second, there is no Alpha in black. Indeed, as I have posted extensively in the past, being a Black male in China is like being an Omega male. I’m not saying that it’s impossible for a Black male in China but…put it this way…it’s a lot easier to meet that special someone cold-calling names out of the phone in NYC then it is in China. It takes a lot more time and women will be on a lot more pressure to break it off when things get rocky as all relationships do at times.
A bit off the subject but connected tangentially is the circumstances that confront thirtysomething western women in China. A while back I had a long talk with an interesting women in a Beijing bar (scene set-up is that we were the only over 30 individuals in attendance at the bash and while the young’uns were dancin’, boozin’ and chasin’ we were sipping our bucket of beers and reflecting on how far the nightlife in China has come in the last decade.) She was European, a professor of sociology and a long term resident of Beijing and China. She enjoyed China and the culture and yet she wanted to get out. One of the main reasons for this was that she was dead tired of the party lifestyle…in her words it was stale (yidian yisi ye meiyou). When I asked her how so, she said, “the fact was that it was hard to find Mr. Goodbar not only from a boy-girlfriend sense but all from a platonic hanging out sense too.” As she saw it, the pickins’ (between either youngsters” into the party scene (who having such being the alpha males as they are in China are not very interested in “older western chicks” and the elder men who fancy boozing and trying to bed young Chinese women) were pretty slim. When I asked what about Chinese men, she said that while she had met some interesting Chinese men it never worked out because some of there were always some issues of the rightful place of the women in a relationship that always left here unsatisfied. Indeed, it was few and far between meeting interesting men in their 30s for her and many her similary aged western female colleagues and so she wanted to get out and in her words restart the intellectual, physical and spiritual life that she once had before she came to China.
Still, I think that the key is to be flexible…naturally, not everyone can live the western whilte alpha male lifestyle in China but if you go in understanding that if you are Black or Female or a Black female your life might be a bit more “sedate” (especially if you are in a smaller city or province) but if you search out…(start a blog that looks to connect with others in your condition) you may just find a partner in life or crime to share your experiences in China.
I lived in Tokyo for five years and black men do quite well over there. The older generation is still quite prejudiced, but the younger generation (particularly Tokyo’s thriving hippie subculture) are far more open-minded. In addition, sometimes prejudice can boomerang in favor of black men. Meaning: rebellious 18-20 year old Japanese girl wants to find a boyfriend who will drive her conservative authoritarian father absolutely up the wall, so she gets a black boyfriend and a small nuclear explosion ensues when he finds out…
This might be true about the ease of finding a girlfriend for guys in China. My own, American girlfriend is here with me, so I’ve never tried, but I see many of the laowai men in my little town with Chinese girlfriends.
Two points:
1) Most of the westerners here that I’ve met are either racists, rapists, or retards. Either they bitch all day about how stupid Chinese people are, they’re busy trying to date rape their students (at least two of white men in this little city I live in have “bragged” to me about how “she didn’t want it at first!”), or are so stupid that it’s amazing that they got the requisite college degree from Special Ed U. to be able to teach here. Now, after discovering some blogs, I’ve realized that there really is a good population of “normal” Westerners living in China… just none of them live in my city. Anyway, the point is, I think the ease of getting a girlfriend here is what attracts many of the men to China. I know this is the case in 3 instances. These men are absolute losers– in fact, 2 of the 3 men fall into all three of the categories I listed above. It is obvious that the only reason they remain here year after year, not bothering to learn Chinese and not learning about the culture, and berating China in every way possible, is because here they are able to feel like the hot, popular guy, which is a feeling they’ve never gotten to have before.
2) Most of these relationships are ridiculous. They’re not really based on anything in common, or similar ideas and goals, but rather on kind of flaky BS reasons– for the man, trying to get laid (usually), and for the Chinese woman, trying to get close to an affluent laowai who might be able to get them to America or at least support them. Unless one of the two parties is COMPLETELY fluent in the other’s language, I think any idea of having a real long term relationship is ridiculous. How can you really love someone when you can only understand 70% (or less!) of what they really want to say?
3) In the end, I’m glad that I’m here with my girlfriend. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on playing the field. I can talk to her, be understood. She understands when I’m sarcastic, she understands when I put on a stupid accent. She knows the cultural references that I make. Having a Chinese girlfriend (as in someone who has only lived in China) seems horrible. Not because Chinese people are horrible, but because there just isn’t the cultural connect that could allow us to be truly close to one another.
When I see the old, fat, white guy strolling down the street with his 19 year old supermodel of a girlfriend, I really don’t know who to feel more sorry for.
I guess that was three points, eh? Sorry for the rant.